Swinging Sensations

Recently The Boy and I ended up telling one of our friends about our interested extra-curricular activities and were amazed how quickly were were bombarded with questions about our lifestyle & all about swinging. All these questions and the look of surprise got me thinking about FAQs for friends… after all, realising that your friends are into something like swinging and/or poly can be a little strange & questions can start buzzing about your head.

So here is a little short set of FAQs, specifically for friends…

Why didn’t they tell me before?

Chances are that the person / couple in question were a little concerned about your reaction; after all sex, sexuality and relationships are often very private affairs. Talking to even your closest friends about the sexy weekends away or nights out at a club can open up a whole can of emotional worms that they didn’t want to discuss until they felt confident enough to share and explain their experiences without embarrassing either you or feeling uncomfortable themselves.

Try not to feel that they dont trust you; after all they are telling you now & that probably speaks more volumes than you know.

Will they mind if I talk about it all with someone else?

This will really depend on your friends; personally I prefer to keep my swinging life in the hands of a few friends that I can trust not to judge nor feel weird-ed out (too much!) by our escapades. When telling a friend for the first time, I’ve always explained who else of their acquaintance (if anyone) knows and asked them to respect our privacy. I’d always be open with friends if they would like to chat about things with me & if they wanted to chat to a friend I would definitely consider it.

I dont feel comfortable asking about their nights out and am not sure how to tell them…

Speaking purely from my own experience, I highly doubt that they will want to talk down and dirty details with a friend; especially if they pick up the vibe that you are feeling a little uncomfortable. If they’re the kind of gregarious people that cant help but share, a quiet word with one half will go a long way.

I’m curious and want to ask more without sounding like I fancy them, how can I get them talking?

These are your friends right? Just being honest & asking a few open and honest questions like ‘ so how did you get started?’ and letting them lead the conversation is a great way to get started. Being completely honest and even saying that you dont want anything to be misread will go a long way too; friends should understand, and may even appreciate your interest – I find it fascinating to discuss my lifestyle so interested friends tend to get more info than they bargained for!

What if they come on to me?

Being good friends, should stop this from being a potential issue but there are instances where mixed signals can be given and received by friends; most friends of mine aren’t my play type and a lot of them are too like extended family to be sexy to me! There are, however, the odd time or two where wires can be crossed…. especially after a night out & parties where the booze and flirtation has started flowing. Ultimately, it is down to being honest with your friends and as up front as possible. I know that in dealings with some of my friends, I have had to point out that I am a shameless flirt, but that I respect our relationships & that they are exactly what they are: friendships.

The guy half says he’s ‘bi-curious’ does that make him gay?

Swinging is a way of exploring sexuality & generally one realizes that sexuality is very much a sliding scale which polarizes with homosexuality & heterosexuality but for the most part ebbs and flows somewhere between the two. I am not really a fan of calling myself ‘bi’ or ‘straight’ or ‘gay’ because at any one time I could be any combination of the three. A guy or a girl calling themselves ‘bi-curious’ generally means that they are interested in having a sexual encounter involving someone of the same sex – it could be just being close to a naked person of the same sex or it could be a fantasy of playing with them more directly.

Either way, saying that they are bi-curious probably means they are open to exploring their sexuality and may gain an element of this thought swinging.

Will they still want to spend time with us doing ‘normal stuff’?

We are very lucky in that we have a group of very wonderful friends that we both enjoy spending time with; watching movies, playing video games and generally putting the world to rights whilst losing terribly at a pub quiz. Being a swinger or experimenting with some sexy stuff doesnt mean that you suddenly dont have time for your ‘normal’ friends who are often called Vanilla friends. In fact, we find that we enjoy the company of our vanilla friends even more because we are energised and more outgoing when we are having fun swinging; it gives me more confidence and has made me a more honest and open person & I think that can only make my friendships better.

Can I go with them to clubs and see more of the scene?

I would be very hesitant to take any friends who were new to swinging on a date or to a club, mainly because there could be potential for misinterpretation of what exactly they want to experience & that it could make them feel uncomfortable if either party met another couple to play with. There’s also the fact that swinging is about engaging with your inhibitions & extroversions then seeing what experiences you have – going with your oldest school friend might not be the greatest way to relax, unwind and release your inner sex god / goddess. That said, this is a very personal thing and there will no doubt be many groups of friends for whom going to a swingers club would be perfectly natural and a great place to start.

Overall, I would say that the most important elements to a friendship which may well come to the surface should your friends tell you that they have sexy playdates with other people, are respect, honesty and trust. And for me, these are three of the corner stones to what makes a great friendship in the first place!

Respect is particularly important. Being able to understand the dynamics of a friends relationship is always tricky and it can be even more difficult if the lifestyle they lead is very different from your own. Respecting the decision that they have taken and the way that they wish to lead their life is crucial if you want to continue your friendship and even find it becoming a closer one for the deeper understanding.

The ability to be honest is also very important for both all involved parties. Being able to say if something makes you feel uncomfortable whether that be as a friend of a swinger / swinger couple and finding that the details are just that little bit too down and dirty, or as a swinger who feels like they are under going the Spanish inquisition. Likewise, being curious and open enough to ask questions and find out how the other half lives is a great way to get to know your friends and perhaps a whole new part of yourself.

Finally, having trust in your friends; that if they share their swinging lifestyle with you then they have trusted you with something that is an important part of their lives. Also being able to trust their opinions and advice on both matters of the heart and the mind is really important to me – I need to know that I can trust my friends to be honest & tell me if my bum really does look big in this & that they care for me no matter what my sexual kinks.

Hopefully this resonates with some of you out there – perhaps you are the friend who has had that interesting conversation with a swinging couple that you know? Or maybe you are that kinky couple and you are thinking about sharing a secret with a friend or two.

And if you have any question or feedback please share; I’m always happy to hear other’s experiences and learn a thing or two!

Tags: FAQs, Friends, Guide to..., Personal, relationships, The Rules